Roadie

Last weekend I drove one of my friends to and from a gig and I carried and set up all his gear. He can barely walk and can't drive or carry anything since he had an operation to cure a nasty case of housemaid's knee (presumably caused by the sheer amount of time he's spent kneeling down sucking cocks and nothing to do with the time that I ran the corner of a heavy flightcase into his knee).

I was returning the favour that I was done in the 90s when I was discharged from hospital following an even more painful and personal operation. However on that occasion my friends chose to drive me home over nearly every speedbump in Plymouth and they negotiated them violently to make me squirm. Yes I still hold a grudge these more than 20 years later.

Richard "a gentleman puts down a pillow" B

Dangerous Dog

My window cleaner likes my beard. He called round at the weekend to get paid and it's the first time I've seen him since I haven't been able to shave. The conversation quickly moved from my beard to my finger injury and it turns out that he is also nursing a nasty injury to his middle finger. His was even more cruel and unlikely than mine. He was bitten by a dog which was locked inside one of his customer's houses while he himself was outside the house. The window cleaner pushed a bill through the letterbox and was bitten (on the tiny portion of finger that protruded inside the letterbox) by a bad tempered terrier that was lying in wait.

Richard "jaws and letterboxes of outragous fortune" B

Colloquial Metaphor

You learn words and phrases, forget where you learned them from, and then sometimes when you use them they turn out to be wrong. My mum deliberately taught me a nursery rhyme wrongly because her version is funnier: "See a penny, pick it up, then all day you'll have a penny". I used to know a woman whos (hippyish) parents had used an inappropriately adult word for her private parts and she got into trouble at school for swearing when she was trying to discuss something intimate.

The English language contains loads of idioms that we all blindly use as though they still make sense: "Flash in the pan", "Keep your powder dry", "Go off half-cocked", "Hoist by your own petard"... I discovered last week, to my surprise, that the phrase "Beaten like a red-headed stepchild" is neither in common use nor suitable for work.

Richard "it's OK they’ve got no soul" B

Your Mother Cooks Socks in Hell

My friend's hoover has been possessed by the spirit of an angry goose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9f7wodJj04

Richard "Sauce for the goose is sauce for the hoover" B