Padded and Underwired

Back in the old days of mobile phones with T9 predictive text dictionaries I had a Sony-Ericsson that would let you read the list of word that had been automatically added to the dictionary (from your text messages). It was a terrifying and illuminating insight into my character. Other than place names every single entry was a swear word or the model number of a microphone.

Since then I have developed a disproportionate interest in driving, and bought both a fast car and a smartphone. It might be rather passé to laugh at autocorrect these days, but the predictive text on my phone has a bewildering and inappropriate quirk. The keyboard seems to know all about my interest in cars. It knows words like Snetterton and Caterham. When I say "Castle" it says "Combe", when I say "Mallory" it says "Park", when I say "brake" it says "calliper" when I say "gear" it says "box" (and when the crowd say Bo Selecta!) yet it resolutely refuses to believe that the word "car" might follow "sports". Worse it always guesses "bra" so I have offered to pick my sister up in my sports bra and asked my neighbour to wait a few minutes while I get my sports bra out of my garage.

Richard "D112" B

Gordon is a Moron

This weekend I have been driving to and From Newton Abbot on an unnecessary mission of mercy. On Saturday (not for the first time) I found a distressed hedgehog in my garden. It was out in daylight, unresponsive, and not curled into a ball. After talking to the hedgehog hospital in Newton Abbot I agreed to drive it up there and I decided that its name was Gordon.

My innuendo-meter went off the scale when I arrived at the hedgehog hospital. The receptionist said "Let's have a look at it then… My God it's enormous!" Gordon is a 1.2kg monster and there was some concern that I had actually disturbed a pregnant female.

On Sunday I got the news that I was waiting for (but sadly not delivered in a Brian Blessed voice). GORDON'S ALIVE! He is male, and is uninjured. He'd been fighting and his genitals were swollen so he'd also been fucking - excessively. When I discovered him he was simply exhausted. He'd shagged himself half to death, he treated the hospital as a trip to a rejuvenating day-spa and was furious about being put back into a box and driven back to Plymouth. I re-released him in my garden around dusk and didn't get a single word of thanks.

Richard "Even the vermin had a better Friday night than I did" B

Old Friend

For a brief period as a schoolchild I had a desirable and high-status friend from another school. He had a Nintendo Entertainment System and an attractive older sister but crucially he also had a full size high quality pool table in his bedroom. His parents were strict and taciturn. We barely saw them and never spoke to them although we often heard his mother shouting – generally the same four words.

If we were too noisy, or if his younger brother went downstairs complaining of ill-treatment then his mother would shout "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME." We would immediately be ushered silently from the house - not allowed to return until the next day. If our infraction was particularly grave – maybe his brother was in tears or we had ignored our expulsion – then his mother would shout "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME FOR A WEEK."

The last time I met him we had been particularly noisy and troublesome and his mother shouted "CHRIS. FRIENDS GO HOME FOR GOOD"

Richard "A=Jump, B=Rush" B

Quiz

A surprising number of nouns have had their ownership taken by a proper name. For example there are apples, and then there is Adam's Apple. These are the ones that I could think of. Can you match them up?

Names	Nouns
Abigail	Algorithm
Archimedes	Belt
Avogadro	Bobby
Buffon/Cleopatra	Body
Chesterton	Broom
Damocles	Cat
Dekker	Choice
Drake	Comet
Duff	Constant
Eratosthenes	Cradle
Euler	David
Faraday	Demon
Fermi	Device
Frankenstein	Disease
Grey Friar	Dog
Halley	Epitaph (of)
Hercules	Equation
Hobson	Fence
Hubbert	Ghost
John Brown	Law
Kundt	Line
Lord Clyde	Monster
Lord Kelvin	Needle
Lou Gehrig	Number
Marley	Paradox
Maxwell	Party
Michelangelo	Peak
Murphy	Pillars (of)
Newton	Pony
Occam	Principle
Orion	Razor
Pascal	Rule
Pavlov	Ship (of)
Pythagoras	Shovel
Russell	Sieve (of)
Schrodinger	Sword (of)
Shanks	Teapot
Simpson	Theorem
Stevinus	Thunderstorm
Theseus	(Dust) Tube
Trigger	Wager

Interestingly the broom and the ship refer to exactly the same idea.

Richard "I was never invited to Maxwell's Party" B