The High Seas

 At nerd-club I was talking about my theory that I don't fit well into any social class, or rather that I seem to fit badly in to all of them.

Upper class: I naturally use a posh accent and sesquipedalian vocabulary. My surname is old, hard to spell, and all over English history and Shakespeare. I hold physical gold and don't really have any debts.

Middle class: I have a degree, and do a very sedentary job. I live in my own house in the suburbs and I worry about house prices and pensions.

Working class: I go out to work every day to pay my own bills. I swear freely and expressively. I like beer, fast food, and motorsport.

The guy I was talking to homed in on just two items from this description (the gold and the swearing) and decided that I was actually a pirate.

Richard "Arrr" B

Dog and Pony Show

 I'm not one of those houseproud people, so if I get guests without warning I'm usually embarrassed by unhoovered carpets or a large holding pattern of washing up.

 I'm also not one of those carproud people. I wash the car very carefully once each year so that I can put a coat of wax on it, and after that it gets a slapdash wash on the rare occasions that I can be bothered. At the weekend I unexpectedly exhibited it in a car show. The marshal on the gate persuaded me that I should exhibit rather than attend as they needed the support, it was the same price, and I would get a better parking space. The car was embarrassingly dirty. You could clearly see finger marks in the brake dust on the wheels from the last time I changed them. The front numberplate was pretty much illegible from dead insects. The bodywork was covered with a layer of dust, grime and tyre marks. Worse the dashboard still has a bits of masking tape with hand written checklists on them. It was displayed amongst very clean and well presented vehicles.

 I had, that very morning, taken some of the dead insects off the windscreen and headlights in a concession to road safety.

 Richard "chillin' in the car they spent all day waxin'" B

Breaking the Law

 I'm going to turn 50 at the beginning of July, but the intricacies of hiring a racing car for my friends at a convenient circuit means that my birthday celebration won't be until September. As such I need some little event to celebrate the day. I'm glad to say that Devon and Cornwall police have organised something for me. I have been invited to attend a speed awareness course, and judging by the price I guess it must be very luxurious. It's in a hotel with a restaurant so I'll start the day with a lavish breakfast, and I think it would be only decent to travel there in my loud and impractical sports car.

Richard "25 in a 20" B

Had a Fall

 If a prat falls in the forest and no one sees, it is still funny?

I've had two funny looking falls at the weekend. I started indoor climbing last year (low level bouldering where you fall onto a deeply padded floor). The padded floor is carpeted, and while they hoover is twice daily it contains a lot of chalk dust (everybody puts chalk on their hands and a lot gets spilled). I fell from the top of an overhanging problem, my arms were spinning round and round, but I landed flat on my back with a loud thud, a loud "huh" noise as the wind was knocked out of me, and I kicked up a huge cloud of chalk dust. I think it would have looked about like when Wile E Coyote falls in to a canyon.

The very same night I fell over dramatically in my own house. Before I go to bed I check that I have locked the front door by trying to pull it open. If you do that vigorously the bolt will make a satisfying and confidence inspiring clunk inside the frame. On this one occasion the door wasn't locked and I violently flung the door wide open and fell over backwards into my hallway.

I wasn't hurt either time.

Richard "what are you doing down there" B