Piracy on the Low Seas

Some years ago I visited my brother in Holland. On a sunny Saturday he took me sailing on a huge lake. There were lots of yachts and dinghies and one much more threatening boat. It was a very loud, powerful, and worn out speed boat. It was crewed by two young men, and was flying a flag. The flag wasn't the skull and crossbones but I assumed it was the local (very colourful and cheerful) equivalent. The speed boat set its sights on us, chased us down, and came alongside. I was surprised to see that they didn't have grappling hooks and cutlasses. In fact they had very good fenders, a long boathook and a couple of loops of rope so that they could hold themselves alongside. They didn't make us walk the plank, or commandeer our vessel, or steal our money. In fact they politely sold us ice creams.

Thinking back, the Dutch equivalent of the skull and crossbones did look quite similar to the Walls Ice Cream logo.

Richard "How do you say Strawberry Mivvi in Dutch?" B

The Beales

This weekend the good people of twitter have been having a great time by taking names of bands and removing a letter to get a much worse sounding band. Some of my favourites were "Lady Gag", "The Grateful Dad" and "Pear Jam". My only involvement has been trying to think of my own examples. I was quite pleased with "The Cash", "The Cut", "David Gay" and "Sade" which just isn't the same without Noddy Holder, Dave Hill, and the letter "l" and can be further ruined to "Sad".

I was ungallantly pleased with Detroit rock pioneers/motorway to Bristol "The M5" and 80's metal / middle class wine disappointment "Motley Cru"

Richard "#removealetterruinaband" B

Computer Games

Dr Sheldon Cooper says that playing Super Mario Brothers was some of the happiest 600 hours of his childhood. I didn’t play Super Mario Brothers very much, but I have wasted untold hours with various bits of software, particularly Gauntlet, Dungeon Master, M4 Macro Configuration for Sendmail, and Grand Theft Auto 3. I thought that I was too old to get hooked on computer games these days, but that was until I was introduced to 2048-Infinite Circle of Fifths. It’s a tile sliding game for music geeks. Once you start to get the hang of it it’s more moreish than crack cocaine.

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have been late to my friend’s wedding if I hadn’t started playing it, that was in large part due to the A38 being closed and Saltash being gridlocked. But I would have been less late if I wasn’t struggling to tear myself away from its addictive charms.

Richard "just one more go" B

Birthday Presents

It was my birthday at the weekend. I got some lovely presents including a linen suit and my beautiful, musical, shortarse absentee girlfriend recorded this harp version of one of my favourite songs from the Britpop era.

The bloke from last week who can't accept that a man and a woman can talk on skype while fully clothed probably had a tiny seizure when I was getting ready for my video date because I put my new suit ON. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Richard "birthday suit" B

Video Date

I remember the uncomprehending bewilderment when one of my friends tried to explain to a Spaniard that she was vegetarian. "But you can have some ham. A little bit of sausage is OK? Some chicken?" I got the same sort of disbelieving response from one of my drummer friends when I tried to explain my plans for Saturday night.

There seems to be a degree of sexism inherent in the language because I don't know the word to describe him, but I'd have a choice if he were female (harlot hussy slag slut strumpet tart tramp whore). Anyway I told this gentleman-of-easy-virtue that I couldn't come out drinking because I had a video date.
"Oh very nice," he said "naked skype date on Saturday night!"
"No, we’ll be fully clothed"
"No"
"Yes"
"Oh. Right. But you'll do ...stuff... for each other."
"No, just chatting."
"No. Really? But she will get her tits out won't she?"

Richard "No, fully clothed, like I said." B