Get Back Together

I have known my best friends since our school days. This weekend I went to a 25 year school re-union but he didn’t. He asked me to report back to him. This is the report that I will send.

Xxxx Xxxxxx        Pretentious and self-assured
Xxxx Xxxxxx        ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Looks considerably less like a weasel. Similar professional life to mine. I intend to stay in touch.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Scrawney and fashionable. Funny, friendly, still rides motorbikes. Making childish jokes and drawing cocks on name badges.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        And like all self-styled colourful characters he is in fact impotent.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Has Aged.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Friendly and talkative. Is something to do with Army bases. Remembers me fondly. Sounds much more Scottish than I ever remember
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Is heavier. Friendly and funny.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx        ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Who was very plain, and absolutely must be in her early 40s like the rest of us. Improbably sexy.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Much the same.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Unchanged.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Charming, as shapely as ever, wearing her age honestly.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Annoying.
Xxxx Xxxxxx        Unchanged.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Not as moley
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Slightly different haircut. Otherwise unchanged
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Looks like Walter White now. I didn't have a lot to talk to him about.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Unchanged.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Tall thin and ginger. Unsurprisingly
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Is now a woman. Looks a bit like Linda Belcher's sister
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         As you would expect - Enormous and enormously camp
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Looks like an old lady. Does something in the legal profession.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         I'm basically as hopelessly infatuated with her as I was in the 5th year.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Remembered me and my struggles with the English language staff. I have no recollection of her
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Still resents the reverend Sneary.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Not rocking back and forth. Seemed perfectly pleasant.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Almost unchanged.
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?
Xxxx Xxxxxx         Fat
Xxxx Xxxxxx         ?

Richard "Boley" B

Good Advice

In the last week I've heard two different bits of dating advice for women. They weren't what I would have expected.

A (flat chested) female friend of mine told me about some advice that she received in the 90's. When she started going out with a man her best friend (who's also not particularly booby) told her not to wear her Wonderbra. "What? Why?". "He'll only be disappointed in the future."

At the weekend I overheard a male friend of mine (the man-slut drummer) giving advice to a woman. It also had gestures. "Cup the balls, work the shaft".

Richard "I know which date I would rather have been on" B

Bobbling

Dear Guernsey Woollens Ltd.

I must complain to you about the quality of your sweaters. I have been using one of your traditional guernseys for motorcycling, and while the fit and warmth are good, I am sorely disappointed with the quality and longevity of the garment. It has frayed at the neck and cuffs, torn at the hem and the knitting has worn thin at the chest. When it started to show signs of wear I turned it around and wore it back-to-front to extend its life. Even so I only got ten years of daily use before it was completely worn out. I took it back to the shop but was unable to get a refund or a replacement, in fact they charged me full price for a new one!

Richard "yarmo" B

Cryptanalysis

Some of my friends portray me as some kind of Rain Man/Beautiful Mind/Sheldon Cooper weirdo. It's not true, but there are hints of accuracy in it. I certainly struggle with things like knowing whether people are taking the piss, and when I shouldn't tell people the unvarnished truth. I also like understanding systems and finding patterns.

When I went on Holiday to Porto, as well as the food, drink, history and sights I particularly enjoyed the (Portuguese-only) ticket machine at the metro station. By the end of the holiday I knew how to use most of the transport system and managed to add all-day-metro-travel and a one way trip on the funicular to an existing ticket. My friend said it was like going on holiday to Bletchley Park with Alan Turing.

At the weekend I found myself in a very busy KFC waiting for order number 2203. I had heard about half a dozen previous numbers and when order 8380 was called my friend asked "Do you think the order numbers are random?". To me they seemed anything but random. "No, they are a two digit operator code followed by a two digit sequence id. The bloke is operator 83, she's 40 and the girl with the glasses is 22. We're her third order since she came on shift. That couple will have just got order number 2204. The next one they call will be 2202, 8381, or 40-something.

Richard "I didn't even know Kentucky had its own football club" B