Somellier

I'd like to think of myself as the gentleman's Colin Furze.

Over Christmas I opened an old bottle of port. The procedure is complicated enough in that you have to stand it upright a week before you open it to let the sediment settle to the bottom of the bottle. There's a lead foil, a paper seal, a wax plug and then the cork. I did manage to draw the cork but it was degraded and quite a lot of it crumbled into the wine.

The way to open a bottle like this is with port tongs. You grab the neck of the bottle with red hot tongs and then shock it with a cloth soaked in ice cold water. The neck of the bottle should snap off with the cork intact.

I'm too tight to spend a hundred pounds on a tool for opening wine very occasionally, so I have started making my own. Working the jaws and cutting and bending the tongs is nearly done, but I need someone to help with the welding. I normally use silver solder for joining metal, but as these need to withstand red heat that's not going to work.

Richard "I see you have constructed a new tongs. Your skills are complete" B

Dipstick

 Lots of areas of knowledge have their own special vocabularies, and you don't know how ignorant of them you are until you need to talk to somebody. My mum is elderly and getting unstable on her feet so I have been putting up bannisters at her house. WRONG. It turns out that bannisters are complicated pieces of wood that sit on top of a line of spindles. I've been putting up handrails, screwed to the wall with right angle brackets. I needed to buy a length of suitable wood, round with a small flat on the bottom to screw the brackets on. I didn't do well at the timber merchant because I tried "bannister" and "handrail" and then a description of its purpose. I now know that that moulding is called "mopstick" and that it's cheap and easy to obtain in softwood. And that you are expected to know the name of what you're trying to buy.

Richard "Newel Post" B

Visor Down

A few events from the past lead inexorably to me looking like a bit of a fool at the weekend.

We'll take the introduction of domesticated horses to Europe as read.

Horses allowed us to develop heavier armour and weapons, so we got plate armour and lances for knights on horseback.

In the 50s one of the specifications for the Honda Cub (scooter) was that it could be operated one handed so that the noodle shop delivery driver could carry food while he rode it. It ended up with an automatic clutch and the rear brake under the right foot.

In the 80s you have my brother's cautionary story about carrying a long object crosswise on a motorbike (Ford Capri halfshaft, Kawasaki Z1000) and nearly being dashed into the road with a broken pelvis.

At the start of this year I bought a modern Honda Supercub.

A few weeks ago my sister helped me with some housework. My not owning a feather duster on a long stick lead to some criticism and an abortive attempt to hoover the ceiling.

I'm sure you can all see where this is going: On Saturday I became the crappiest parody of a steampunk knight as I brought my new duster back from the shops. I was on my scooter, one end of a long duster was tucked into my armpit, the other sticking out forwards over the handlebars. No I didn’t manage to stick any discarded cans or litter, but I was sorely tempted to try.

Richard "Black Knight" B

Catch!

 My character is such that I will often rashly develop a lifelong habit. For example I always put glasses away upside down. This is because I once had a glass of wine ruined when I pulled out a wineglass which had accumulated a layer of dust in the bowl. I also always keep the petrol receipt so I can make doubly sure that I put the right fuel in the vehicle.

From now on beer bottles have to go into the fridge top first. It's quite amazing but the crown cork on a horizontal beer bottle can make a ratchet. The fridge door has shelves and each shelf has a little fence to stop things from falling off. I don't know how many times it happened, but the fence on the top shelf of the door (The "cheese and envelopes" shelf if you've seen the symbols on my friend's fridge) engaged with the rim of the crown cork on a beer bottle and pulled the bottle outwards a little way when I opened the door. On Sunday I opened the fridge and a bottle of beer leapt out at me - seemingly of its own volition.

I caught the bottle and took it as a sign that the universe wanted me to have beer rather than tea.

I think the envelope is supposed to be a wrapped block of butter.

Richard "pawl" B

Quiz 2

I wrote another quiz for lockdown 2, but in the end it didn't get used. Enjoy:
There are 10 rounds of 5 questions, the answers follow at the end.

Richard "Bamber" B

1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
====================
1.1 What was the name of the dog who starred in a viral video in 2011 when he was out of control and chasing deer in Richmond Park.
1.2 What sport do the Wolverhampton Wanderers play.
1.3 How many votes does the US electoral college cast?
1.4 What form of entertainment is "No Man's Sky"?
1.5 Which television presenter had shows called "Newswipe", "Screenwipe" and "Antiviralwipe"

2. WHERE DO YOU WEAR
====================
(On what part of the body do you wear the following articles?)
2.1 Fascinator
2.2 Stillettos
2.3 Cummerbund
2.4 Dear Stalker
2.5 Winkle Pickers

3. DUMPLINGS OF THE WORLD UNITE
===============================
(Name the country these dumplings come from)
3.1 Ravioli
3.2 Bhaji
3.3 Gyoza
3.4 Pierogi
3.5 Dim Sum

5. ROCKSTAR or WAR or STARWARS
==============================
(Would you find these things on a stage? on a battlefield? or in Star Wars?)
5.1    7.62 NATO
5.2    SM58
5.3    T16
5.4    T34
5.5    ES-335

6. NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS
===========================
6.1 How long did the Hundred Years War last?
6.2 After what animal are the Canary Islands named?
6.3 What country makes Panama hats?
6.4 What is Boris Johnson's First Name
6.5 What colour is an adult grey horse?

7. 57 VARIETIES
===============
(What things are these varieties of?)
7.1 Oak, Ash, Spruce, Poplar.
7.2 Maris Piper, King Edward, Charlotte, Golden Wonder.
7.3 Actic, Sandwich, Common, Little.
7.4 Humpback, Blue, Minky, Beluga
7.5 Cox, Granny Smith, Bramley, Braeburn

8. COLOUR BLIND
==============
(Where do you see these sequences of colours?)
8.1 Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet.
8.2 Bronze, Silver, Gold
8.3 Red, Red and Amber together, Green, Amber, Red.
8.4 Black, Brown, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Grey, White.
8.5 Yellow, Yellow, Red, Dismissed from the field.

9. ANY POLL'S A GOAL
====================
(Questions about the history of internet polls gone wrong)
9.1 In 2016 What name won the poll to name the Arctic Survey's new research ship?
9.2 In 2012 The Horace Mann highschool in America won an internet poll to decide the school at which Taylor Swift should perform. What's special about the Horace Mann school?
9.3 In 2012 What town in Alaska was the rapper Pitbull sent to, to perform, after it won an internet poll?
9.4 In 2010 What country won an internet poll to decide where Justin Bieber should tour next?
9.5 In 2011 What name won an internet poll to choose the name of Mountain Dew's new apple flavour?

10. OLD JOKES HOME
==================
10.1 How do you make a sausage roll?
10.2 How many people work at <company>? (It was probably "Royal Mail" or “Dennis” when I first heard the joke.)
10.3 What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
10.4 What’s the difference between an elephant and a postbox?
10.5 What's black and white and read all over?

1. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
====================
1.1 Fenton. FENTON! Oh Jesus Christ. Fenton!
1.2 (association) Football.
1.3 538.
1.4 Video game.
1.5 Charlie Brooker.

2. WHERE DO YOU WEAR
====================
2.1 Head
2.2 Feet
2.3 Waist
2.4 Head
2.5 Feet

3. DUMPLINGS OF THE WORLD UNITE
===============================
3.1 Italy
3.2 India
3.3 Japan
3.4 Poland
3.5 China

5. ROCKSTAR or WAR or STARWARS
==============================
5.1 Battlefield - ammunition cartridge size
5.2 Stage - vocal microphone
5.3 Starwars - I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.
5.4 Battlefield - Soviet medium tank
5.5 Stage - Gibson hollow body electric guitar

6. NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS
===========================
6.1 116 years
6.2 Dogs - canines (in Spanish)
6.3 Equador
6.4 Alexander - Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
6.5 White. They are born black, go through grey, and end up white.

7. 57 VARIETIES
===============
7.1 Trees.
7.2 Potatoes.
7.3 Turns (seabird).
7.4 Whales
7.5 Apples

8. COLOUR BLIND
==============
8.1 Rainbow.
8.2 Sporting medals.
8.3 Traffic lights.
8.4 Electronics (resistor colour codes).
8.5 Football.

9. ANY POLL'S A GOAL
====================
9.1 R.S.S Boaty McBoatface (I voted for P.E.C.T)
9.2 The Horace Mann School for the Deaf.
9.3 Kodiak - "Me not working hard? Yea right picture that with a Kodak. And better yet, go to Times Square. Take a picture of me with a Kodak"
9.4 North Korea
9.5 Mountain Dew Hitler did Nothing Wrong

10. OLD JOKES HOME
==================
10.1 Push it down a hill.
10.2 About half of them.
10.3 A wooly jumper.
10.4 You don't know the difference between an elephant and a postbox? You'd make a terrible postman.
10.5 Newspaper.